Writing “no hook ups” on your dating site protects you from one night stands like wearing a shirt that says, “I’m not a seal” protects you from shark attacks.
For those of you on Hinge, there is a small banner with information about vices—an icon for drinking, smoking, etc. “Drugs” is signified by a tiny pill icon. Respectfully, there are 3 categories of people. The majority, who don’t do drugs, some who consider themselves a special-occasion user (what I refer to as a Vegas consumer), and then there are avid drug users. But they all have one thing in common. None of them display the pill icon.
There are a lot of futile exchanges in the world of online dating, but few less productive than letting the world know about your strict hookup policy or asking, “what are you looking for”? Why do people ask this question?—in the hopes that the other person is going to slip like Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men and blurt out “sex” like they hit some involuntary verbal funny bone? The answer to this question has been censored more heavily than an episode of Sesame Street sponsored by the letters “F” and “U”.
Most dating sites used to have a required “intentions” field right under your name. Some still have it, many have done away with it. The reason—because it is one of those questions that, though legitimate, has a right answer and a wrong answer (for the overwhelming majority of users). Most people on dating apps are looking for something long-term. And even though marriage may not be on the top of your current to-do list, “relationship” is the right answer. The wrong answer (sex) will get you labeled as a “hookup guy” in a public forum. The pill icon question is wasted space for the same reason there isn’t a “jail” icon, a “snores” icon or a “crazy-ex texts me at 3am nightly” icon. Because no one would use them honorably.
Hookups seem to be at the top of list of women’s online fears. And rightfully so—no one wants to arbitrarily hand out the keys to the kingdom (more importantly no one wants to be on a first name basis with the guy at the hardware store that makes new keys). You absolutely should be particular about people who you move into the horizontal dating phase with. So while I’m not suggesting you should be passing it out like Halloween candy, I am suggesting that in cases of a unique spark/natural connection, there is no correlation that postponing it magnifies your chances of having grandchildren.
Yes, most men are ‘open to’ a more casual arrangement because there is virtually no emotional component to a one night stand for a man. Frankly, the psychological sensitivity element is hard for us (males) to understand, though we try. But that doesn’t mean we are exclusively seeking a one done situation. My three best single friends, who seem to avoid relationships like puddles filled with fentanyl, have both been swooned, and emotionally devastated by what they thought was the right girl and spent months unshowered, surrounded by pizza boxes in BreakupLand. 95% of people are hoping for long-term happiness and will embrace a relationship if the connection is there.
Personally, the two best longer-term relationships I had in my life started with first date sex. I won’t lie and say that is the norm. There were many more that didn’t. But waiting a few dates for sex on those would have not changed the ultimate outcome. Unlike what many believe, first date sex is not a death sentence.
The majority of relationships are like viruses. Most of them run their courses, you develop immunity to whatever it was that made you ill, and you build an immunity to that particular strain of irritant—with the obvious exception of people who ignore patterns and exclusively date drummers and strippers and swear “this one” is different (eye roll emoji). Sometimes it’s as simple as long term wants and needs changing. Sometimes it is the omission of the $1.2 million in credit card debt you have. But a relationship break up is never because of first date sex.
Let me be clear. My point is not that first date sex will help your chances of long term love and monogamy—it will not. But it will not hinder it. First date sex should be heavily scrutinized based on your limited knowledge but not be uncompromising first date rule. Outside of things like religious constraints or unique personal circumstances, your relationship has virtually zero percent more chance going the distance because you held off touching each other for 2 weeks.
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