If this goes well, can we just say we met at the grocery store?
-many women met over the years
I feel virtually no reluctance or shame with respect to online dating. But there are many who would rather accidentally text their parents a naked selfie that admit to being on Tinder.
So why does online dating have a deviant stigma? Because building a dating resume is not like building a work resume. With occupations, you grow, learn and continually build knowledge. You can transition from one to another, change skill sets, leverage better offers and opportunities, and all of these things are considered to elements of progress. If you apply the same standards to dating, it isn’t generally considered as positive. No first date has ever said, “wow, you have been on thousands of dates…?”, as she firmly rubbed your bicep.
So when the first date question does come up, you can’t always rely on the most honest answers. So let’s take the question most commonly asked one and decode the deflections and little white lies that often follow.
“So how long have you been doing the online thing”?
Here are three common answers to this question—along with three common translations as to what the response really means.
ANSWER #1—“I just signed up/my friend signed me up.”
Translation – Admitting that I have surrendered to looking for my mate the same way I order a taxi or late night pizza is only slightly less embarrassing than paramedics having to rescue me from getting foot trapped in the Stairmaster at the gym. You’re lucky I’m not wearing a fake mustache.
A lot of people like to pretend this is their first time around, even though according to a 2020 study, almost half of people that fall into the online dating demographic curve (18-50) have tried it. Of course there are plenty of people who really did sign up a few days ago or have never been on an online date. And whether it is fear of the unfamiliar, a cautious personality or watching way too many Dateline episodes, the psychology of not wanting to be associated with online dating is common. That doesn’t mean this person is non-committal or standoffish. It just means they are probably lean towards traditionalism in dating.
ANSWER #2—“Been on and off for a few years. Mostly off”.
Translation—I am “on” online dating until I go out with a guy who wears a bedazzled jean jacket with his name on it, mentions his ex 47 times and asks if I can pay for my own $3 happy hour glass of wine. At which point, I go home, delete the app, break out the mental dating white-out and pretend it all never happened.
Impulsively deleting your profile after a bad date no more reverses your online dating status than flossing your teeth an hour before going to the dentist gets you a gold star at your yearly check-up (yes, I go to a pediatric dentist).
Answer #3—“I have tried it, but I prefer meeting people in more natural circumstances”.
Translation—My parent’s met at a Church sponsored dance social and they are still together at 72 so I’m going all in on that data point.
This one is tough because I also personally prefer natural meetups. But if you think about it, the only real difference is that a personal meet up isn’t ‘a date’. You get to see the person up front, evaluate them for ticks (bugs and facial) and there is no feeling of obligation. But if you effectively vet people online and use some common sense, an online date can offer some real benefits.
Ideally, dates start with a genuine connection, organic storytelling and conversation that is interrupted 4 hours later with someone realizing they have completely forgotten to eat or pee. But the dating Gods don’t hand out softballs like that very often. Even for the most attractive, successful conversationalists, there is usually a feeling out period.
The truth is we are all one more bad date away from taking a long hot bath with our hair dryer. So for all of those who consider online dating to be a scarlet letter, realize we are all in the same boat.
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