Sometimes better sorry than safe.
When I was young, I loved skateboarding. But an early growth spurt left me with the grace and coordination of a baby giraffe on roller skates with vertigo. So, while pads and wrist guards are probably the reason I can take a shower unassisted, they also came with a price.
My epiphany came at the top of a very large skateboard ramp. Time after time, I would lean forward, attempting to ‘drop in’, and allow gravity to take my tall, gangly body downward, inevitably sliding out onto my knees or hips. One of the alpha kids, tired of watching this redundant exhibition of failure, boldly suggested I lose the pads. He may as well have suggested I jump over a tank of hybrid zombie-vampire sharks; my incredulous reaction would have been the same. In my mind, those knee pads were the only thing preventing me from setting off airport every metal detector I walked through for the rest of my life. But the fifteen-ish kids on the ramp that day, all started following his lead.
The sound of un-velcroing my pads was a commitment a lot like loading the plane to go skydiving. Once they were off, the fear of injury was now counter-balanced against a lifetime of disrespect and heckling.
Crashed hard the first time—part of me was still holding back. But this time, something was different. Normally, the thud of your body hitting the ground is immediately followed by the sound of the next rider hitting the ramp, half pipe riding being a very “eat or be eaten” mentality. But it became clear now that everyone was on hold until I succeeded. There was no wiggling out of this, as I climbed back up to the top, knees and elbows bloodied. But this time, my body compensated for how much it hurt to crash the last time, and mentally adjusted for the fact that I no longer had an easy escape plan. My reaction time was quicker. My mind was faster, and focused on not crashing.
Today we have taken what used to be a gut-wrenching, anxiety ridden blind approach and replaced it with an impervious swipe. We have taken the potentially heart crushing rejection of phone call and replaced it with a text message. We have taken the process of wordsmithing an opening line and exchanged it with a numbers game of 30 “heys”. Now we want to diminish our first meeting down to a lowest possible effortless cup of coffee in sweats and a baseball hat?
Now, before I seem insensitive, I recognize there are a lot of people who have had life experiences or trauma that has made them skittish about meeting strangers, and I am sympathetic. But for the majority, there is no real reason other than convenience or complacency. For instance, in Manhattan, the most dynamic and kinetic dating scene in the world, a suggestion for coffee isn’t as innocuous as it seems. More often than shyness, you are facing a busy bee, rushing from one event to another (usually another date) or someone’s jaded attitude, not willing to put in the time.
In (seemingly identical) articles in Bold and Bustle magazines, they make the argument as to why ALL first dates should all be coffee dates. “First dates are more about doing your due diligence; to see if this person seems cool, and, more importantly, to measure how likely this person is to being a potential murderer”. Sound familiar? Sure, coffee dates are inexpensive, convenient, and relatively easy to exit. But look at what those 3 adjectives say. The easier the better.
Every proponent of coffee dates make the same claims—conducive to chatting and the less stress—not necessarily true. First, there is nothing cozy or comforting than 2 strangers sitting across from a table from each other, injected with a stimulant, with dozens of people sitting around them, listening in on their clunky, awkward conversation. In addition, the concept of a coffee date, itself, is a ticking clock. Its entire identity exists for efficiency. That’s not to say it can’t be successful. I’m sure there have been coffee dates that even ended up at Zales. But people come into coffee dates with the feeling of, “shit, I need to make an impression before that cup is empty”. When in reality, the first 10 minutes of any date is something you need to get past—like wading into a cold ocean with a total naked stranger; a painful process of acclimatization while avoiding too much eye contact.
By no means am I saying all first dates should include a suit, a killer LBD, 5 inch heels, a trip to the Mondrian rooftop and 8 martinis. A date can just as easily be a walk as it can be a meetup at a park. Are you never going to succeed because you prefer coffee dates? Of course not! Just don’t do it for the wrong reasons. Dating is no different than public speaking, doing stand-up, or reading from a teleprompter. It is a naturally uneasy activity you’ll only get better at with practice.
My skateboarding career was short lived, but I can tell you, I would have never learned how to ride a ramp if I had worn the pads.
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