Deal Killers

Deal killers=time savers.

Years ago, during a unnamed controversial past presidential administration, a friend and I were at a beer garden in NYC. We had found our way into a lovely conversation with a group of 3 cool, fun, Manhattanite women and were both unfortunately smitten with one of them. Even better, I appeared to be winning. I briefly excused myself to use the restroom and when I returned, my friend exclaimed, “hey, you never told me how the Trump rally was the other night?” which was immediately followed by what felt like an old school record scratch.

Dick move, bro.

But effective. I had zero time to rebut. My value fell faster than an elderly brick salesman. Clearly a firm deal killer for her.

If you are searching for a new car and you have a family of 6, stopping by the Mini dealership seems like a pretty poor use of your time. The same concept works for dating. There are few things worse than having a nice date, walking them to their car and noticing an “I heart flat Earthers” bumper sticker. We all have deal breakers—some more than others. But confronting them early is rarely done because most of us try to avoid premature negativity. But a few skillfully placed questions or comments could prevent the occasional dumpster-fire date.

Years ago, while working at a relationship-based startup, I had an epiphany. I realized that, in a longer term relationship losing its physical spark, searching for solutions can be like talking about ED with your parents. So quickly sifting out a small number of strong dislikes can be as, if not more, efficient than focusing on the truckload of universal likes we all share.

Consider a bell curve that goes from loves to hates. For most people, there is a pretty meaty part of their bell curve that holds likes, gimmies and tolerables. Sunshine, laughing and money–gimmies. Music, food, activities usually fall somewhere between, but are rarely deal-killers. Point being, most people are happy to learn about football, cooking or try yoga if it means building a better bond.

Then there are the outliers.

As negative an approach as that sounds, we all have a few absolute deal killers. Religion, family, children, (not) drinking, animals and hardcore political views are usually at the top of the list. And then there are those who become indignant over a sports rivalry and statistically abuse their spouses during the Superbowl. That is low hanging fruit for the deal killer seekers.

The other day I saw this actual post –

Ok, maybe this person fell on a stick many years ago and has been able to dislodge it from their clenched anus, but they also have virtually zero chance of ending up at dinner with someone who is a metro-sexual, anti-NRA, vaccinated, Biden-enthusiast wearing skinny jeans. Now, I’m not saying we should all accept this method of weeding people out in such a negative mindset. I am not suggesting you become obstinate and uncompromising. But, this person is going to waste significantly less time than others on first dates. So there is a decent amount of grey area to work with.

Keep in mind, deal breakers don’t have to be critically important issues of morality or society. Personally I have had great relationships and conversations with people who had polar religious or political beliefs than me. I am indifferent about your level of success and I have a very flexible <10 toes rule. For me, it is people who don’t check their phone for 3 days and reply with the aloof, “I’m sorry I have been so busy with work” (typically the same people who keep their phone on the counter face-up during a date just in case they get an Instagram like). There is one profession that qualifies you being regularly off-grid for 3-4 days at a time and it involves the International Space Station. It is a weak excuse and even a weaker blow-off.

So sit down and think about the values you hold sacred and the things that have caused friction in past relationships. “Must hate Trump” and “must love dogs” are on separate ends of the intolerance scale but send the same message. If some type of values or compatibility is critically important to you, you owe it to yourself and the other person to attempt to voice it, in the most democratic way possible. If you 100% must marry into a certain religion, mention it politely. If you need to have children, mention it—not contentiously, but confidently. These deal breakers will eventually surface. Better to get them out of the way now.