Have you ever seen two people hitting it off on a coffee date?
Me neither.
The philosopher Plato once said, “you can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.” And considering the scarcity of Starbucks in 400 B.C., we can summarize Plato’s wisdom in current day terminology by simply stating, “coffee is the dry hump of first dates”.
Chris Rock had a line in one of his specials where he suggested when you meet someone for a date, you are meeting their dating “representative”. 100% true. Think about your last few breakups. What caused them? Most likely traits that surfaced like fear of commitment, mommy/daddy issues or incessant screaming at the tv during football games—all things mysteriously absent from dates 1 and 2. It takes typically between 3-6 dates to start seeing through your dating representative’s armor—if you are lucky. A little alcohol can cut that down to a few hours.
But first, we have to agree on what makes a perfect first date. Some feel it is simply to scope out general character. Some seek instant connection. Most are in between. Personally, I have never been on a coffee first date that led to a relationship (or maybe even a second date), but if you truly have an aversion to spending more than 30 minutes with a stranger, coffee could be right for you.
I spend a decent amount of my time in coffee shops (working) and at bars (not working). I witness lots of first dates in both—as a passive observer. Think of me as a bird watcher, sans binoculars, analyzing different species of daters and their behaviors. Coffee house first dates are fine and genial—they are like job interviews. There is lots of nodding and exchanging of positivity, politeness and pleasantries. Personal space is monitored like the radar at Pearl Harbor on December 8, 1941. You have 15-30 minutes to be evaluated under the influence of stimulants.
Conversely, over cocktails, I love seeing couples start out completely stiff, sharing almost zero eye contact and quickly exhausting exciting first date topics like the weather. Then, a drink later, they have turned their chairs facing each other. They are exchanging unscripted dialogue. By drink two, the conversation is flowing a little easier, there is even a slight welcomed invasion of personal space.
When applied correctly, alcohol is one of the best things that ever happened to first dates. It can provide a nice little crystal ball into traits and behaviors you may not see until months or even years down the road. It is truth serum, a conduct barometer, a social lubricant and even a mini-time machine all wrapped up in one.
If you aren’t a sci-fi buff, in the film The Matrix, the protagonist is on a journey to uncover reality. He is offered the choice between taking symbolic red and blue pills (which look suspiciously like Nquil and DayQuil—lazy work by the prop department). The blue pill (coffee date) symbolizes safety and the status quo. The red pill (cocktails) represents the willingness to learn a potentially unsettling or life-changing truth.
Taking the red pill (cocktails) allows you to be loose, sarcastic, make jokes and even moderate inhibitions. But here is the added bonus! You also get a nice front row seat to many unadvertised tendencies and behaviors of the other person. Possibly some anger towards and ex, petty behavior, questionable anecdotes or deal-killers can magically bubble to the top—information that probably would not have been declassified over coffee.
Of course, there is potential, downside to taking the red pill. I feel like explaining the hazards of drinking too much on a first date is similar to the disclaimer on the box of lawn darts warning you not throw them at your friends heads so I’ll keep it simple. A few stops past the Matrix are towns you do not want to visit—specifically Lush City, TableDance Acres and Blackoutville, population—you. We have all had dates where we drank too much and said or did something we regretted. Consider the having an accessible phone booth (aka. a glass of water and an Uber) within eye-shot (if you are unfamiliar with the movie, that is how they escape). A first date shot binge is almost never a good idea. And that is the point—drinks in moderation can be quite valuable.
DISCLAIMER: The goal of this article is not to convince anyone to drink. If you are a non-drinker, great! Whether you view your body as a temple or have experienced a substance problem, it is the choice and responsibility of the individual. Zero judgement.
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